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The Uffone

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The origin of the Uffone is shrouded in mystery. Some say it was forged by celestial beings, some say it is not of this world at all. The earliest mentions of this artifact date back to 5000 B.C. Mongolia. The legends speak of the Uffs, an ancient tribe that used to inhabit the area of the Gobi desert. The phone was found by one of the tribesmen when he was traveling along the Silk Road, hoping to exchange some magic mushrooms for food and animal skins. It is said that he had met a sphinx that proposed to give him the mythical object in exchange for a question that no simple mortal could answer. This man was the eldest and wisest of the Uffs, a pioneer in what we now call „philosophy“. His name was Tsetseg the Uff, the first Chin Wang of his hoshun. Tsetseg was a refined intellectual and a devoted shaman. His practices included spinning his bracelet to chase away negative spirits and staring into the void via the Magical Cauldron. Tsetseg came up with a riddle – „What walks on four legs in the morning, two at noon and three in the evening?“. The creature was satisfied and gave him the „tool“ (хэрэгсэл in Mongolian), saying that it would amplify his thinking abilities and provide him with positivity when dealing with depressing thoughts. The tool was later passed down to every Uff-chief, generation to generation and was greatly worshipped, mostly by inhaling DMT and talking about the universe.

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In 1276, during the Mongol invasion, the Uff-tribe was chosen to advise Genghis Khan in his conquest of Europe. As the empire started to crumble, Genghis Khan’s grandson and successor, Kublai Khan grew desperate and demanded that the Uffs hand over the „tool“. Upon refusing to obey, the chieftain, Nergüi the Uff, along with all the other Uffs, were executed by quartering. Nergüi knew what was going to happen to him and the rest of the clan. Thus, he secretly gave the sacred tool to his youngest daughter, Uffo, and ordered her to run away and protect the artifact at all costs. Uffo escaped on one of the Mongolian slave ships that was heading to Turkey. From there she crossed over to Europe and, upon hearing that the young prodigy of the Křen family had been researching similar objects, traveled to Moravia in hopes of getting closer to the truth. However, the language barrier did not allow the two to have a clear conversation. The young Křen was brimming with excitement. He kept pointing at the artifact and a drawing of a mysterious, circular object in the sky, repeating the word “ufoun”. Still confused, Uffo left to Germany, deciding that she didn’t want to dedicate her life to researching the object, which she now called “Uffone”. She moved to Germany and married a wealthy descendant of the Mann bloodline. Since she didn’t want to forget her past, Uffo kept her maiden name and connected it with her husband’s last name, thus becoming Uffo Uffmann.

 

The existence of the Uffone was kept in secret by the next generations. Rumours say that Thomas Mann used the artifact to help him with his writing. It is also rumored that the excessive use of the artifact was what caused his arteriosclerosis. During Hitler’s regime it was confiscated by the GESTAPO, transported to a secret military base and thoroughly researched. At the end of WW2 the Uffone was taken to the Führerbunker. Hitler tried to awaken the tool to gain godly powers, so he could shoot lasers out of his moustache and raise an army of undead soldiers to destroy the Allied forces. It is said that he sacrificed his wife, Eva Braun, along with several high-ranking officers to achieve this goal. His charred remains were later found by Soviet troops. The Uffone disappeared. All research data had been faked, labelling the mysterious object a simple prototype for today’s mobile phone. But the Uffone found its way to its righteous owner. It somehow reappeared at an electronics shop 71 years later, waiting for the chosen one, the one who’s philosophical powers were unmatched, the one who had the blood of the Uffs running through their veins. Finally, it attracted the attention of Sebastian Uffmann. His Uff-waves resonated with the magical tool, and, at last, awakened it from its slumber. The chosen Uffmann, completely oblivious of its powers, bought it to use as a normal smartphone.

However, the magnitude of his thoughts was too great for the Uffone to handle. The artifact has cracked. It was prophesized that a man with eyes as blue as diamonds, a heart of gold and a bracelet as shiny as the purest silver would one day cause a global catastrophe. The end has already begun – great artists are dropping like flies, Britain has left the EU, Sum41 and Iggy Azalea are about to release new albums, censorship is being implemented on social media, Andrew Eldritch has lost his favourite sunglassses and the world is in turmoil. Nevertheless, it is still possible to prevent the apocalypse. The ancient prophecy states that the Chose One must bring the sacred tool to an ancient baboon shaman somewhere in the Himalayas, for he is the only one who is knowledgeable enough to repair and reinforce the almighty Uffone. Thus, the chosen Uff must embark on an epic journey through forests and mountains, fire and water, light and darkness. Life and death. He must endure hunger, pain and suffering to save us all, and, maybe, he himself will find peace and redemption on his noble quest.

(sa)

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