On the 12th of November, which is also known as the scariest of days, a very peculiar person (?) visited the school. Naturally, led by my recently awakened journalist senses, I have decided to speak to this mysterious figure and find out more about them.
SA for newsroom25: So what is your story?
A: My name is Stephen. Just Stephen. I don’t really remember how old I am, but I do know that I was born in Iowa. I’ve always had very soft and silky smooth skin, which is why I look like a toddler. My childhood wasn’t very great either, I got frequently picked on by the other kids, so after a while I’ve stopped trying to attempt any sort of communication with my peers. My favorite pastime since then has been reading philosophical books and listening to a relatively wide spectrum of music. Having my unusual appearance, I’ve come to the conclusion that no-one would ever take me seriously. Luckily, America was at war with Vietnam at that time. After my graduation, I immediately filled out all the forms and paperwork in hopes of joining the military and, with a bit of extra luck, never having to return to Iowa again. I was rejected four times before finally being allowed to begin my military service, since I wasn’t physically capable of actually going to war. After a couple of years in Vietnam my body started to look fairly average, except for, you know… my head. On June 6th 1966 I lost my whole body excluding my left leg in an accident, when Elvis‘ hairspray, who, by the way, was stationed at the same place as me, caught fire and burned down our entire camp, which is one of the reasons why Vietnam won.
SA for newsroom25: But you don’t have any legs? …
A: I got bitten by a cobra a couple of years later when we were filming “Walker, Texas Ranger“ and so my remaining leg had to be surgically removed. Anyway, I’ve spent the rest of the war laying in a hospital back in… yes, that’s right, Iowa. Now I’m just travelling around the world, always eager to see some new things, you know.
SA for newsroom25: Do you work anywhere?
A: I don’t really have a stable job. Whenever I’m in a really bad financial situation I always ask my aunt Bethany for help. I used to play baby Jesus for a few months at the local church, and I’ve also been part of a traveling circus, where I’ve served as the announcer because of my deep, honey-like voice. As I’ve previously mentioned, I have a decent cinematographic career – I was the janitor on the sets of shows like “Walker, Texas Ranger”, “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” and “Seinfeld”. Now I mostly star as the stereotypical spooky doll in countless B-rated horror movies. It’s pretty shameful, but you can’t put pride in your wallet. Oh and I’ve also appeared in a few music videos of a Norwegian band called “Heretic Nun Who Is Also On Fire And Doesn’t Really Like To Go To Church” back in the early 90’s, when the black metal craze swept over Scandinavia. Unfortunately for me, these guys have found their true passion in country music after being exposed to it in their dressing room while they were in the middle of putting on corpse paint. After that I wasn’t really needed anymore since I scared their new fan base, So I’ve decided to start driving around the world in my old Winnebago.
SA for newsroom25: You’ve mentioned that you’re an avid reader and also a music fan. Could you tell me about some of your personal favorites?
A: Well, I really like “The Trial” by F. Kafka and most of his books in general, since a lot of his work deals with existentialism, a topic which I’m very familiar with. I also love Sigmund Freud’s books about cocaine. Other than that I read a lot of Dostoevsky and I’ve recently gotten into Stephen King. Love that guy. Music-wise I am mostly into slightly strange things, but it varies a lot depending on my mood. I have a strong passion for alternative and slightly older sounding music, such as „Rappin‘ for Jesus“ and, of course, montages of Yoko Ono screaming on stage.
SA for newsroom25: Do you have any other hobbies or favorite holidays?
A: I usually just roll around wherever I happen to be in a shopping cart and scare older people and little children. This is my method of conducting polls about “how many people get a heart attack at the given location”, which I then sell for a few bucks. My favorite holiday would be Halloween, since I can easily blend in amidst the masses of creepy weirdos strolling through the streets in the middle of the night. I also enjoy not having to pay for train tickets and not looking weird whilst ordering a Happy Meal since I look like a little child.
SA for newsroom25: What are your views on life?
Before I managed to finish the question, the mysterious man had vanished in a flash of blinding light, followed by the putrid stench of his old TESCO-value hoodie.
Sebastyan Armero is a new literary talent that newsroom25 is proud to have convinced of starting to publish. (editor’s note)